Fast Postin’

I’m finally back in Seattle after a 3 day baseball trip to Bremerton, WA. Fun. Tim is great. Working on the bbq party for tomorrow.

but…

 

I’m in extreme pain for some reason. Have a call in to MD Anderson to try to get an appointment when I’m in Houston because I have the following:

Swollen lymph nodes
Extreme fatigue
Major muscle pain in neck and collarbone
random fevers
Some night sweats
Vein across chest was about 4 inches (it’s blue and stands out some) is now showing from one shoulder across chest to the other shoulder. It looks weird. I never had it look like that before. It started becoming blue right at the spot of where my central line used to be last year. It worried my charge nurse in San Antonio, so I’m wondering now.
Muscle cramping
Problems swallowing
Muscle weakness
Nausea

I’m not liking it. The nurse said the pain could be from the steroid taper, but in fact I had actually upped my dose from 4mg a day to 8mg a day this past week.

The pain has been so severe, I’ve been taking Vicodin and muscle relaxers. Makes for a fun_debu, but a high one. Not acceptable on a daily basis.

I leave Seattle on the 25th. One week. I’m really sad, but am trying not to let it bother me. It does. I miss Zoe, but know I will miss Tim (and Seattle) so incredibly much. As Tim Gunn on Project Runway says we are going to try to “make it work.” Long distance isn’t always easy, but he’s special and amazing.

My sweetie and I rode on the Bremerton ferry this morning. A nice, cloudy and cool Seattle day. Perfect weather when you are with someone you love. Actually any weather is perfect, but the coolness makes for a wonderful day.

I can do this. Regardless. I just hope they can fix me.

Your assignment today is to say hi. I’ve been missing you all bunches.

Bettin’ Man

I think my odds of coming back to WA are just a little bit better.

 

I adore him. He knows it. And have been praying that things work out. I think he has too.

I think I’m done writing about this.

All is still well in Seattle. Even if it is too stinkin’ hot.

Snoozer

I’ve been sleeping for days. It’s been way too hot here in Seattle. Yesterday was nice and cool so I did some straightening up. We are going to have a birthday party on the 19th for my b-day and for Tim’s mom and best friend, Tim #2. (My birthday is the 22nd)

I am kind of in a funk. I’m not quite sure why. I’ve had a lot of pain lately and wonder if for some reason these stupid antidepressants are not working.

[backstory] My San Antonio doctor started me on Cymbalta because I was having terrible neuropathy in my feet (feels like your feet are asleep and it never goes away). The neuropathy was from the chemo I had and Cymbalta, an anti-depressant, is also used to combat neuropathy. Well it worked right away and I was happy about that, but after a few months I noticed some terrible side effects: sleeplessness, mania, paranoia, irritability, etc. I looked the side effects up online and realized that they were pretty significant. I didn’t like them, so I told my doctor I was going to stop taking it. He never said no, so I stopped cold turkey. BIG mistake. I didn’t sleep for several days and felt horrible and anxious. I nearly checked myself into the ER at 3am because I felt batshit crazy.

Well, the doctor’s office was like… woah, that’s bad. Don’t ever stop cold turkey. So they prescribed lexipro. My insurance made me switch to cytalopram and told me it was a generic version – although later I found out it isn’t. So I’m stuck on this stupid anti-depressant when I don’t fucking need one, and it’s starting to bug me. I hate anti-depressants. My psych doc (they make you see one with the transplant) told me I’m fine and that it’s ok to be sad sometimes about what I’ve gone through. [end]

I feel pretty sad because if feels like my summer is over already. We’ve been pretty busy here in Seattle and have gone on some baseball roadtrips – Bremerton and Spokane. We also drove for a bit to Idaho and for about 10 minutes in Montana (since we were already so close). The games were fun and we spent a great time in a little town named Ritzville, WA for the 4th of July. I loved that day – so far it was my favorite. We watched fireworks in a gazebo in this little park and the weather was perfect. It just was like magic.

I’m trying to shake the funk, but I get the feeling I won’t be coming back here. Tim is great, but his life has become a little overwhelming and isn’t sure about the future, much less one with me. It’s hard to write this, but it’s even harder to feel this way.

I generally hate whinese, and Tim told me not to worry and to enjoy our time left, but this feels really awful. It feels like my heart just hurts. I adore him and love Seattle. I feel so at home here and so comfortable with him. But I understand his situation and don’t want to add any additional pressure to what is going on in his life.

So two weeks from today, I will be leaving Seattle. Only the Lord knows if I will ever come back. I’m not a betting person, but my bets are all no.

I can do this. Sometimes I just don’t want to and want to be allowed to fall apart a little is all.

No assignment.