It must be get all sentimental review the archives week here in Debu_ville.
There are many lessons I learned these past five years I’ve been blogging. Yes, five plus years – started on March 30, 2003. But lately I seem to be falling back into some old patterns, and quite honestly, that is not ok.
It started with an email I sent today that reminded me of that post and about the lesson of being grateful and God’s grace:
You are awesome. You have great things in store for you in your life. Storms and sunny weather, but I know your strength. I know your character and integrity and I know that the clouds will eventually lift. I know your love for me.
I know that often I forget to be grateful for what I have. It’s so hard to remember God’s Grace on me when I am so down or feeling so much pain. But then you get a glimpse of God’s love – in your daughter’s snuggles, the smell of Zoe’s hair and her little hand in mine when she sleeps, a funny joke or a good time with a friend, your other daughter’s smile and bright future, a good blog post or a good day’s work. Sometimes they are few and far between, but God sends you what you need, or who you need, when you need them.
It’s uncanny, but there are at least ten or more people I know I could have sent that email to.
I think I could have written this just last week, yet I wrote it over two years ago; about a month after my transplant.
I’ve been wallowing. I’ve been focused on how crappy I have been feeling and the long road ahead of me. I’ve been sad and let that sadness overwhelm me. I am letting the pain and sleeplessness and frustration impede my goals.
This week I just pray that the doctors don’t tell me what I’ve been fearing – that I possibly have relapsed or have lymphoma or some other type of secondary cancer. I’m ready to finish what I started. Recovering, feeling better, spending time with Zoe, searching for inner peace, volunteering, writing, and trying to figure out which direction God wants me to go.
Worrying does not help anything. But praying for guidance does. It’s not like God just sends you an email or you hear some booming voice that tells you, “Debu, go be a teacher.” But in my experience it’s more of God opening doors for you or putting people or experiences in your life that will lead you in a certain direction. It’s more of some calm and resolve about what types of things you need to accomplish. The ability to have some clarity and to make a list, to set goals, and to see what things in your life you should cherish. And the people in your life you should cherish.
I remembered that last night when I got to see Zoe after being apart all summer. Her sleepy body curled up against mine. Feeling her soft little breaths on my arm. Waking up with my niece and nephew and their smiles and energy and hugs. Hearing Tim’s voice on the phone and hearing his laugh. And reading the many comments from so many cherished readers and family and friends from that difficult time in my life. I am so grateful for it all. For you all. For my life and my loves and my future.
I don’t want to worry about my health. I just pray that I am allowed to continue on. I pray for faith that this isn’t all there is to my story.
I can do this. Something great is going to happen.
Your assignment today is to read or re-read that post and the comments and to complete that assignment from those few years ago.