Gain Some Perspective, Geniuses

Uh. Yeah!

I’m going to tell a few of you off, but read this over and over until you can admit to yourself that you need some help. I love you. I always will. All of you, please remember this:

As long as I’m living, I’ll be waiting
As long as I’m breathing, I’ll be there
Whenever you call me, I’ll be waiting
Whenever you need me, I’ll be there

[deb_bitch]

 

I’m in a bad bad bad mood.

Conversations with me:

“Why is it that I’m the suicidal one, yet you get the terminal disease.”

“Funny, but for as much as you and Jeanne fear death. I would almost welcome it.”

“If I were in your position, I wouldn’t go through treatment. I’m already ready to die.”

“I’d rather be dead than in so much pain like you are.”

HERE YOU GO!

1-800-273-TALK Suicide Hotline

1-800-448-3000 Depression Hotline

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of your self-pity. Quit piling shit on your head, as Momo G would say. You all may never ever ever speak to me again, but it’s much better than listening to how you have such a horrible life that you’d rather die. I’m here for you, but I can’t take that crap anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach. It hurts my heart and hurts my feelings.

I’m trying so damn hard, and so many of my friends are trying to live through treatment. Trying to live through surviving. I have seen so many of us fight like hell to live. Just to live. Live through pain. Live through sickness and poverty, nausea and agony without giving up or losing hope. And it’s not just cancer. There are so many that live day to day with chronic illness. With severe depression. With disability. With mental illness. My military friends see so much death and destruction, I don’t know how any of them don’t lose their minds. It’s not an easy thing, but we still do it because our will to live is overpowering. It just is.

I don’t even pray anymore that they (or me) thrive. After what we’ve experienced, it’s enough just to ask that we be allowed to grow old. I have given up on love, on feeling great again, on feeling powerful and strong physically (at least for now). But I will never give up on life, even if I know I’m dying. Or on finding joy. Or being alive! I just want to have more days where I’m not in severe pain than not. I will fight death so I can watch my daughter grow up and laugh and find joy. I falter sometimes, but not that often, and not for long. Zoe MAKES me not give up. She truly is the keeper of my hope.

And YOU have the fucking nerve to tell me that you want to die? FUCK YOU! I mean it – FUCK YOU. Even jokingly, still, #^&@# you!!! If you had any sense whatsoever, you’d apologize to me. I don’t feel your apology when you say you are sorry you affronted me. I want you to KNOW why what your said is inappropriate to say to me or anybody actually. And really feel sorry that you didn’t get that point. That you don’t get that point because you have your head up your ass feeling sorry for yourself all the time.

And then you should send me flowers because I’m awesome or make a donation to the Leukemia Society in Brenda’s name. I’ll forgive you because I know your agony, but I still am pissed at you. It’s not about you. It’s not about me scolding you. It’s about ME getting angry. Tell your priest or counselor, but if you constantly Eeyore, leave your friends and loved ones out of it. You’re basically telling everyone to fuck off because we aren’t important enough to live for. I know how that feels, I’ve been there. But I also know that I am resilient, that I was being unfair, and I will persevere. I will try as hard as I can not to hurt my loved ones. That I also owe it to all my friends who didn’t make it.

I’ve seen them die. So many of them. I’ve mourned. And agonized over people that died too early. People who just couldn’t survive. They didn’t make it. Their families who lose so much. For my army penpal, Stephen Maddies, who was 18 days from coming home before he was picked off by a sniper.

I can’t tell you how many nights I prayed and prayed and cried for my friends. For my daughter and my family. For my beloved friends who want so much to live. When Brenda was dying, I thought God was going to cover His ears just because we all prayed so hard for her to live. I tried to will her to live and Paula and Ashley and Pam and all the many others. Knowing that one day people might be doing that for me. That in a heartbeat it could all happen to any of us. Dying really isn’t anything you can control. So I try not to worry about it. It just makes me cry. And I give my worries up to God. I let people in. I find the joy instead of constantly dwelling on the sorrow. Be grateful for the things and people you do have instead of balling up into yourself and becoming so self obsessed and absorbed. You all have children for God’s sake and many many people that love you.

Honesty, I think my life is pretty damn great. Even through all of this, I still think I’m lucky, blessed, grateful, etc. I have my family. I have friends. My life isn’t always perfect, but sometimes I just want to say FUCKING COWBOY UP! Everyone has problems. I know my family takes care of me, don’t tell me I’m spoiled. I’m entirely grateful for that. But I am the one in pain and I’m the one taking meds and seeing doctors all the time. I’m the one that KEEPS me alive. Don’t you even think that for ONE DAMN minute that I wouldn’t trade everything to get my old life back. To being able to take care of myself and feel better and normal. To working. I’m not lucky. I’m grateful that I do have people that are willing to help me, but it all starts with you allowing people in. By asking for help when you need it. And by getting the help instead of being so damn stubborn and try to do it on your own.

I know that your problems are serious and seem overwhelming. But sometimes you just have to deal. If it’s something you can change, then change it – make a point to change it and DO it, don’t just talk about it.

But if there is nothing you can do, don’t let it shut down your entire life. Stop freaking out. It’s not like that will help or make it go away. If you can’t function or cope, then GET SOME HELP!!! Not only that ACCEPT HELP from people that love and care about you. No man is an island.

Maybe if you did get help, or allow people in your life, rediscover your joy and what you are grateful for, you might actually BE able to cope with your problems. Not that it will make it go away or change anything, but it might help you deal with it instead of freaking out and losing your focus.

I think one of the great things I inherited from my mother is the ability to persevere through the hard times. Of course everyone gets down once in a while. But even when it’s been hard, I still can find something in myself to get through it all. I think coming to the realization “that it is what it is” (thanks Sis #1). I know that everyone deals with things differently, but when people tell you … hey, maybe you need to get some help and you refuse, then you need a kidney punch. Stop wallowing. You know you’re wallowing. Stop piling shit on your head and feeling sorry for yourself.

Because, you know what? WE LOVE YOU!! But even people that love you don’t want to hear about your issues if you don’t deal with them and constantly talk about how shitty everything is. Fix it or shut up. Maybe it’s time for some therapy or some pills.

I know that there are people who are way worse off than I am. I’m not starving. I have a roof over my head even if I don’t own it. I can see and hear and laugh and talk and write. I’m not dying, but guess what, I’ll still find joy until I stop breathing. I will find things to be grateful for every day. I will still laugh and read jokes and find humor in the absurd.

Tell jokes when you are getting a bone marrow biopsy and then I’ll tell you HELL YEAH! If you are sick and you can plant tomatoes and walk your dog – HELL YEAH! If you can wear full makeup when you’re bald, barfing and unable to walk and still have some attitude – or work part time and raise your child and kiss your husband when you feel like crap – or take gorgeous photos when you are dealing with depression — HELL YEAH!! If you get your ass to the gym, even if you weigh 300 pounds… Well you know what I’d say. Do it! I’ll high five you. Stop and “accept the good.”

Now that’s called perspective.

I love you, but I want you to try. Please get help.

Just this very moment I heard Lenny Kravitz’s song “If You Want It.

Looking through life’s window pane
Don’t you sit around wasting time
That would be a crying shame
There’s a power that’s deep inside
And it burns just like a flame
Just believe and you will see that God
Will shower you like pouring rain
If you want it
You can change your world today
If you want it
Just break free and walk away
There’s a reason
For you to explore
Why you’re here
What do you say
And the beauty is that you’re the one
Who controls just how you play

There’s a choice that you need to make
One is ore and one is clay
So drop your chains and take up your cross
And let Jesus make your way
If you want it
You can change
Your world today
If you want it
Just break free and walk away
If you want it
You can change your evil ways
If you want it
Just break free and walk away

If you want it
You can change your world today
If you want it
Just break free and walk away
If you want it
You can change your evil ways
If you want it

Just break free
And walk away
—————–
I can do this. I won’t give up. And I won’t give up on you. [/deb_bitch]

Your assignment. Check yer perspective today.


 Create Your Own

Songs that came on while I was writing this:

Life Without You – Stevie Ray Vaughn
I’d Rather Go Blind – Etta James
Beatles Covers – Imagine by Jack Johnson
Oh My Love – Jackson Browne
Beautiful Boy – Ben Harper
For the Weary – Allison Sattinger
Why Do I Love You – Jesse Dayton
Reservations – Wilco
Dumb – Nirvana
Christmas Time is Here – Vince Guaraldi Trio

Christmas Time Is Here
Written by Vince Guaraldi, Lee Mendelson

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We’ll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year…

Love love and more love.

Comments are closed.