November 19, 2008

Relapse.

I had a feeling this time like I did last time. Saying goodbye to Zoe and my parents Tuesday morning was agonizingly hard; like I instinctively knew I wouldn’t see Zoe for a long time. I did some grieving in the car on the way up from San Antonio. I allowed myself the full knowledge of what this relapse means. It wasn’t a maybe to me. I just knew.

They are talking about a 2nd transplant for me. Same chemo routine as well with some modifications.

I get a lovely bone marrow biopsy and a line in my arm today Thursday. Sadly I know the drill. I got some spinal chemo today and will have more throughout the night.

My heart just hurts, but I was not surprised by this outcome. Please pray for my family and my daughter. I feel really defeated and am trying to rally. I think my chemo this time might be named Chuck Norris or Chemobama. I need some cancer ass kicking meds, similar to my Uma chemo.

I’m tired. And I can’t tell you how much I really just want to go home.

I can do this, but it really really hurts. II is so much harder than before. I’m now no longer considered a survivor. I have a long road ahead of me and am much more afraid this time.

I love you internets. I miss and love my wild bird-talking daughter ever so much.

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