October 21, 2005

Three years to the day a trip to the ER saved my life. And I’m still here. Without energy to write anything, but here I is.



I kind of miss my old blog. Work. Weirdos. Life. Love. Nothingness. Pain and Hope. It hurts to read some of it. Especially on days that I feel like cacapoopoo. Reading October 2005 makes me cry and laugh. The greatest of emotions. The ache of those words. That time.

Three years to the day, my friend’s twin girls were born. I don’t know why, but at the time it felt reassuring. Life. Beautiful perfect little girls. Little twin angels. Then I met you and you and you. All my internets.


I took cough syrup and it made my nose run while I was coughing up my entire spleen.

I didn’t feel like eating whatsoever. I had Sixbucks.

I was online way too much. Dude city.

I have a new penpal overseas. I be prayin for the dude. He thinks I’m cute.

Talked to another dude tonight. He sent me some pictures which were oddly wonderful because they were artistic and he’s beautiful. Funny, he was pretty cool. You think that a man that gorgeous would be so full of himself, but he was amazingly insightful and thoughtful. He is one of those people that you hope to know your whole life.

Got called a pussy by this stuck-up Republican dude because he has rheumatoid arthritis and doesn’t take pain meds. I told him to go fuck himself. With the appropriate punctuation.

I got 9234823098 text messages from a secret agent. No really, he’s some kind of spy or something.

I got 2 text messages from Tim. Oddly familiar and sweet.

And I met a San Antonio Tim who took Zoe and me out to eat sushi. He’s a rare true Southern gentleman and he got Zoe’s shoe off the roof.

Zoe read her book. It’s cute when she can’t read a word and she spells it. I half hear her and she has to repeat it several times before I can figure it out. I’m a site reader. She brings home like six library books every day. Bookmarks in all of them. Like mother like daughter.

I prayed. I prayed a lot today.

Bren/Cody’s Mom reminded me of Yatzee. We used to call it Snotzee and it’s too gross of a story. Even for me.

Every time I get a headache, and I think it can’t get any worse, it does.

Zoe is bright and lovely. A bright shining star. Showing me the way. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love that child any more, I do. I just do.

Thank you God for my three extra years. I pray for more, but I’ll take what I can get right about now.

I think Nico is dying. I’m the last one now. The last one of 25. How does that make sense?

Pray like hell. I miss all of them. So many nameless familiar MD Anderson faces. All gone. And Brenda. And Sarah and Nikki, and Clem and Paula and Ashley and Victoria and Liza and Robbi and Robin and Pam and Cookie and Joan, and sweet Kadin and Eric and Laiken and Steven, and S’s Gayle, Nick Harriet and Joseph, and there are so many I begin to forget and then I remember and remember and remember and then Zoe.

I can do this. I just can.

Your assignment today is to listen to music and just dance around. Thank you Sisters for my iPod. It is my memory and my joy. It makes me cry and laugh at the same time. It just does.

Thank you.

You may groan if you want to

Brothel parrot has new home


A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

‘Why so little,’ she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, ‘Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

‘New house, new madam.’

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought ‘that’s really not so bad.’

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, ‘New house, new madam, new girls.’

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith”

I just coughed up a lung

I still have this cold. It’s more of a non-stop cough.

I have had it for 8 days now. Mom had it and she seems better already. I don’t have a fever, so I really don’t want to go to the doctor and pay for it because I STILL DON’T HAVE INSURANCE!

Good thing I’m in a great mood. I think I may sleep today since Zoe has brownies after school. Friday night her troop is spending the night at the zoo in the education center. How cool is that?

Although she’s very conflicted because Friday is the opening of High School Musical 3 (blegh).

I need to get better asap. We are having a board game night on November 1st. A gaggle of 8 year olds. It should be a blast – spooky pizza party – woo!

Ok. Lots of paperwork to do today and some sleepage.

I can do this. As long as I don’t cough up my spleen next.

Your assignment today is to tell me your favorite family board game. Zoe likes Mancala and I like Scene It.

Sista Power!!

Sis #3 is a freelance internet marketing queen and writer. She just posted a blog with a friend of hers and it has a link to my deb_fund paypal account. It is so humbling, but I appreciate her help so much. If you need: Branding, Information Architecture, Blog or Social Media Consulting, and Newsletter Creation, look my sister up!

Please go check out her post with the amazing Lynn Bender playing to help raise cashamatoma.

Sis #3 also did a Tweeter blood drive in Austin last July and 80 people showed up to donate blood. It was twice the amount of traffic that the blood center usually gets. She’s just awesome.


From Sis #2. I can’t read this without just tearing up. She posted it on her flickr account for Pink Tuesday.

cancer effects more than those diagnosed…

pink tuesday.jpg
on 10/21/2005, my whole world, as i knew it, collapsed. my older sister, Debby, was diagnosed with leukemia and from that day forward i would be her 5 year old daughter’s surrogate mother for the next 8 months.

it’s devastating when you first get the news, and a roller coster of emotions as you struggle with the fate of your love one going through battle after battle… with the disease, the insurance company, daily life, treatments, colds that could kill…

as the sister, it was my job to keep the calm, to raise her daughter as my own, and to have an exterior of “life is normal” when inside you are feeling anything but “normal.”

while this is breast cancer awareness month, for me it is the month of awareness of the disease that almost took my sister’s life.

for more information about my sister and her struggle with leukemia, go to my sister’s blog: debutaunt.com/

Guess What?

It’s sis #2’s BIRTHDAY – WOO!!

Sis #2 is like Zoe’s second mom. When I got sick, Zoe had to live with my sis for 8 or 9 months. It was so hard to be away from Zoe that long but I knew that Zoe adores her cousins and that Sis #2 loves and cares for Zkat just as much as I do. There’s just such a special bond between me and my 3 sisters. But it became even tighter when my older sis #1 and Sis #2 were pregnant at the same time (can you say hormonal nightmare?) Sis #3 lives in Austin and she is like my little heart. She’s 13 years younger and was like my baby for so long. When I got sick, she took two weeks off to come care for me. She’s so thoughtful and caring and I’d do just about anything for her.

Sis #3’s not married yet (no clue why because she’s smart and beyond beautiful) We fought like cats and dogs when we were little, but this day, I feel so close to my sisters and our children are really close. Zoe misses them all the time and when they are together it’s like class reunion day or something. I think they are all more like brothers and sisters than cousins.

I miss all three of my sisters so much. I remember Zoe was upset and crying one day. It was after she came home from her father’s for the summer. She told me, “I wish all the people I loved lived in the same city as me.” I most certainly wish that about all my sisters as well.

You’re assignment today is to wish Sis #2 a Happy Birthday in the most festivus manner possible. She’s awesome.

Sis #2 takes great pictures. Check her out on flickr. She lives in Houston so find her if you want some cool portraits or prints of her pictures.

Ahhhhhhh it was a ….

HAIR transplant that McNotBaldCain was referring to. Because his joke on Biden in the other debate didn’t go over so haha funneh, he thought he’d trying it again. While other life-saving transplant patients and I were muttering to ourselves, “Did he just say what I thought he said?”

But in this day and age, honestly I think if you don’t go all catface woman or Michael Jackson with your plastic surgery and don’t go overboard, so what? I know what it’s like to be bald. It’s uncomfortable, and I don’t think it had anything to do with me being a woman. I felt… exposed. But I knew that mine would grow back. When men add some hair, they look younger. I’m sure it makes them feel more handsome or how they used to feel before they lost their hair.

If women can wear those nasty woven and cheap looking extensions and weaves, have fake boobs and fake nails and fake tans, what’s wrong with a man wanting his hair back? And if they can fix it without making it look like a bad rug, go for it.

I actually dig the bald dude look on most men. I like it when they shave it close to the head. (warning, sunscreen is necessary). It’s kind of cool looking on men.

I can do this even though I was temporarily flabbergasted by McCain’s transplant comment (thanks Jessicacarrot and Collins – y’all rock!)

Your assignment today is to look in the mirror and say, I look damn good, and then check yerself out!


But before you get any plastic surgery, take some tips from this site. It’s not called Awfulplasticsurgery.com for nothing.

Poor Janice Dickenson.


And that cute hottie McHotster Mickey Rourke. Although I do believe he initially had surgery after a car accident or injury.


Watching the Debate With Momo G on Fox News


mccain awkward.jpg


I had to post that. It honestly is not photoshopped. It happened post debate when McCain was trying to go to shake the Schieffer’s hand, and he went one way and Schieff went the other. McCain did a little like “ah I don’t know where I’m going” dance, and the camera caught him.

If anyone can find the originator of that post, I’d really like to give him credit.

p.s. Am I the only one that can imagine George W watching these debates and giggling?

My Insurance Plan is a Cadillac That Got Reposessed, Senator McLame

Senator John McCain – 3rd and final debate against Senator Barack Obama on 10/15/08

That’s big government at its best. Now, 95 percent of the people in America will receive more money under my plan because they will receive not only their present benefits, which may be taxed, which will be taxed, but then you add $5,000 onto it, except for those people who have the gold-plated Cadillac insurance policies that have to do with cosmetic surgery and transplants and all of those kinds of things.

See dat right dere. Senator Idontfuckingunderstandmyowninsuranceplan McJackhole just compared transplants to boob jobs?? Or is it rhinoplasty? Brazilian Butt Lifts? Cheek implants? Liposuction?

What the fuck are you talking about? Do you even know?

Cos we all know that transplants are just for the rich people who have Cadillac insurance, right? And your $5,000 tax credit won’t pay for squat for people like me. Heck, who can afford a policy for an entire family for $5,000 not to mention medications? And woooowooooweeeewoooo. A life saving transplant? That’s a luxury item, like a yacht or a vacation in Italy and Paris for a month. I know my transplant was like a stay at the Trump Plaza in the Presidential Suite. (heck, for what transplants cost, I could have stayed there at least a week)

Actually I don’t even have Cadillac insurance anymore. My Cadillac got repossessed and eaten by COBRAzilla a week ago. Now I’m walking or taking the bus until November 1st. And then I’m about to get is a pimped out Pinto, ghettomobile where the rims cost more than the car.

Too bad I didn’t get the boob job and a tummy tuck while I had that Cadillac insurance.

Or I guess whoever wins this election will just need to Pimp My Ride


Well, they are still working on finding out who raided the debfund. Sis #1 knows it was someone who was in her house long enough to steal several checks.

But then the coolest thing happened. She hadn’t checked my paypal account in ages and there were a bunch of donations! I have no no no clue to who most of these people are. She’s working on getting me the list so I can at least send an email of thanks to them. How cool are the internets sometimes?

I know of one donation though. Button and Bows Photography in Florida. Please check out that site because it is perfectly adorable! Thank you for your support!

I can do this. But I honestly think the orange on my blog is just perfectly awful. I might not be able to hold out until the end of October to change it. Yick!

The Magical Cancer Fund

I see all this pink stuff every October (and now it’s year round) and it’s very disheartening.

Right now it’s serving as a glaring reminder how people are actually making money off of a disease and many of us are completely struggling to make it. If it were not for my family, and the no rent situation, I have no idea how I’d live on the disability I receive every month. And no. I still can’t work yet, so don’t go there.


What good is awareness and early detection if once you get cancer – any cancer, not just breast cancer – if you can’t pay for your treatment? Or your medications. Or health insurance. Or even be eligible for health insurance.

Many are so fatigued, they can’t work full time even if they wanted. Many cancers don’t end with the end of treatment. They have side effects from the treatment (which sometime end up killing you). They get secondary cancers. They relapse. Or, in my case, I have gotten several different diseases, most likely as a result from my meds or all the treatment I have had.

Medicaid and Medicare sound so magically delicious, but apparently you end up paying much more out of pocket than when you had private insurance. This came from my hospital from a person that helps patients figure out how they can get any financial aid to pay for coverage. Medicare only pays for a few medications a month and you end up having to pay for supplemental Medicare insurance or special prescription plans.

Your private insurance will only last so long, btw. Cobra max now, I think, is 29 months. I’m ineligible for any type of private insurance other than the Texas High Risk pool. The premium is crazily expensive and you aren’t allowed to be reimbursed for your premium by any hospital or government agency. MD Anderson has covered the majority of my Cobra payments as I qualified for their financial aid. But come Nov 1st, that ends.

The $4 WalmartTargetHEB prescription generally are only for basic types of prescriptions; like high blood pressure, diabetes meds, cholesterol drugs. Not one of my 28 medications are listed on that list.

I have a dear friend who needs a drug for her treatment. Even with Medicare, she has to spend $1600 on her med co-pay. This is more than what she receives from her Social Security disability payment. And Montel Williams rolling his bus past her house will not help pay for her drugs. Neither will the drug companies because she *has* prescription coverage. Yeah. One drug. $1600 a month. That’s really some great coverage.

Pink away. Make millions from and for “the cause.” While so many people who are going through treatment or living with cancer struggle to live our “new lives.”

I don’t have the answer. Even if there was some magical cancer fund, it most certainly would have run out years ago. Awareness. No cure yet. It is too little too late for those of us who have been there. It is depressing to see the cute, pink, ribbon wrapped cancer crap. I don’t buy it because I think it’s horrible. But I also don’t buy it because I don’t have any extra money to buy that shit.

Bitter? Hell yes. I’m not shitting rainbows and riding unicorns today. So before you say, “Be grateful, you’re still breathing,” please just shut up. Go away. I don’t have to be chipper all the time and I’m not going to posture like everything is all right. I do that most days of the year and for today I just want to feel shitty. And bitter. And hate people who are profiting off of a disease right now. Go buy a breast cancer Barbie, some pink batteries and drill a hole in your head with your pink electric drill. When you’re done, you can patch it up with pink bandaids and then eat a rGB yogurt, lick the lid and mail that bacteria laden lid in to Yoexploit.

I would love to be able to give my friend a million dollars so she didn’t have the financial stress to go along with the stress she already has from dealing with her cancer. I would love the magical cancer fun. Don’t you think we have enough stress in our lives already?

I have many reasons that I am grateful. I am alive. I have my family and friends. But the struggle to not give up is getting harder every day. The daily struggle of taking meds, feeling like crap, med side effects and wondering if this cold or this cold or this cold is going to kill me is getting really old.

Livestrong my ass. This “new life” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Right now I’m living kind of weak I’d say.

I can do this. I wish someone would start a magical cancer fund. The LLS, Komen, Livestrong, ACS … how many are helping us… I mean really?

No assignment today. I’m feeling grouchy.